Watching this series of Love Island, it seems you either need to deep throat a popsicle to show you’re interested in someone (we love you, Maura) or discuss how much “flirty banter” you’re having with the person you fancy, without actually having any of the so-called flirty banter. We’ve watched a bunch of good looking people who don’t seem to have any natural chemistry or romantic spark, ask each other the million pound question; “Are you attracted to me?” As viewers, it’s actually very rare to witness any real flirting.
I appreciate Love Island is quite an extreme snapshot of how we date today, but it got me thinking: the rather enchanting and raw culture of chatting each other up in a public place has been dying a slow death for the past few years. When I look back at my early to mid-20s and even in my teenage years, the way just about anyone romantically connected with another person was making slightly sozzled eyes across a bar, then going on to awkwardly flirt before exchanging numbers.
In stark contrast, Gen Z have grown up online. They’re the generation who don’t know life without dating apps and social media. This is where all communication and flirting begins. Whether it’s via WhatsApp, Facebook, Bumble, Twitter or Instagram, the majority of romantic pursuits now start digitally, whether we like it or not. But it’s not just Gen Z who have been affected by this cultural shift and these new trends in dating. It has pretty much filtered through all the generations, changing the dating landscape completely.
I wonder if those flirty, terrifying and often thrilling encounters with strangers in bars, clubs, pubs and coffee shops are a dying breed? It seems flirting is now comprised of WhatsApping each other back and forth with aubergine emojis, swiping right on Tinder and ferociously ‘liking’ a random fit person’s selfies on Instagram.
When I spoke to dating and relationship coach Sami Wunder, about the current climate of dating, she said, “Shows like Love Island show us that many people have lost the art of real life flirting. Flirting online is one thing, but knowing how to flirt in person is a whole other ball game, and many people just don’t know how to do it because they spend so much time online.
“Being fully present is really important when you flirt and something that many of us need to consciously do by putting our phones away and actually focusing on the person in front of us.”
Of course, the art of flirting is always evolving. Once, it meant writing letters, trying not to die in a war and meeting each other in dance halls. Later, it meant mixtapes, awkward cinema dates and tipsy indie nights dancing to Arctic Monkeys with strangers.
Now it means, er, sliding into someone’s DMs? It comes as no surprise that that’s the main form of flirting, as on the UK’s most popular dating show at the moment, we’ve ironically watched very little flirting happen between the contestants.
Whether it’s Yewande sitting on Danny’s knee in front of rival Arabella and awkwardly trying to flirt with him, or it’s Tommy telling a girl he’s known 24 hours that he would “crawl to the moon and back” for her. The flirting techniques – if you can call them that – are often forced and contrived.
A few weeks back, we saw Love Island favourite, Anton, frantically and excitedly get ready to meet the new girl of the villa, Arabella. Showering, putting his aftershave on, wearing his best shirt, receiving pep talks and advice from the boys before he met her, only to give her a cool hello and swiftly ignore her. Then top it all off by firmly friendzoning himself a matter of hours later when he said that her and another contestant (Danny) looked good together.
Interestingly, we’ve seen many couples get together on the show, but we haven’t seen that genuine, flirty, exciting build up that gets them there. Relationships on Love Island are formed at lightning speed – as long as you are both each other’s “type” and are attractive, a relationship will work. In reality, this is often not the case.
This “my type on paper” attitude may be to blame. Online dating and the instant gratification of a ‘like’ mean we don’t have the motivation to bother with the effort and bravery required by flirting in real life any more.
Of course, dating apps, new social technologies and social media, do provide an effective way to get the attention of the opposite sex. A new 2019 study revealed that a quarter of Gen Z’ers met their partners through social media. The same SKYN condoms survey found that overall, 50 percent of that group said they had used direct messages on social media to get in touch. More specifically, 54 percent of Generation Zer’s said they had used DM’s to sext.
I spoke to Nomin Bayaraa, co-founder of blixr – an app that connects you with other people to have experiences together, moving away from virtual likes and followers to making real life memories together. She said; “The generation of daters today no longer flirt in real life. Instead, superficial ‘likes’ and ‘follows’ have replaced the thrill of the chase. People tend to delay meeting their online match until the perfect moment when they are ready. However, this leads to increased anxiety, shyness and being overly prepared when they actually meet.
“In the age of convenience, it is no wonder that traditional courting and romance has lost its appeal. Put simply, why make an effort when there are quite literally ‘plenty more fish in the sea’?
“Previous generations had a relative paucity of dating options, if they didn’t meet someone through work, or friends, then pubs and bars were the social stomping grounds. You had to stand out to your potential match and effort would be rewarded. Nowadays you can browse through hundreds of potential matches curled up on the sofa watching telly.”
Whilst researching this article, I Googled: ’Does our generation know how to flirt?’ I received a bit of a bleak response: ‘How to flirt on Instagram like an absolute demon’, ‘Does sliding into someone’s DMs actually work?’ ‘Like. Flirt. Ghost. A journey into the social media lives of teens’ and ‘Gen Z isn’t interested in dating or sex’.
Like Normin said, Love Island only highlights the lack of real life, real time flirting in today’s dating landscape. “I believe it is very rare that a relationship built without any flirting in real life will work out in the long run.”
So, anyone for bringing back sticky dance floors and eye contact? I think the Love Island contestants should give it a go.
