Having had many Tinder dates in my time (with most unsuccessful – I’m not disheartened, yet) I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that there are several issues with online dating. The men who upload only one photo to their profile and it’s with friends; how am I supposed to tell who you are and if you’re the hottest one or not?! The men who scam; feeding you lies and telling you that they’re 6’2, but, when you meet, they’re, in fact, 5’6. And, my personal favourite, those who send a random “Are you free?” text at 11:30pm on a Saturday, as if I’d genuinely respond, “Sure, I much prefer booty calls to dinner dates!”. Come on now, guys.
However, the most irritating issue of all – the one that gets me readier for a hissy fit than any other – is the man seeking the spontaneous woman.
Every conversation that I have, the spontaneity topic pops up. He’ll ask something along the lines of, “Are you spontaneous?” and I’ll respond, “Um, sometimes”. Baffled, Mr. Spontaneity, queries my lack of impulsiveness, “Why, don’t you don’t like adventures?” and, although I hate to publicly admit it, I usually just leave him response-less. Because, let’s be real, it’d be a waste of a conversation for us both – a back and forth of him sticking up for spontaneity ‘“But it’s fun!” and me, less thrilled by the idea of a random hike, and just wanting to get my organizer out and plan for the following week. As you can tell, we’re not a match made in heaven.
If I’m correct, the spontaneous woman that a man yearns for is the type who will never sit around at home reading on a Friday night. She’ll pack her Saturdays with every kind of crazy and random eleventh-hour activity. She’ll always be invited to the trendiest events with the coolest people eating the tastiest foods and drinking the most unusual cocktails. He might struggle to keep up with her but he’ll know he’ll never get bored.
It appears that, what these men are after, is for their “Are you spontaneous?” message to be received with an elated “Yes!” and an immediate and in-depth discussion on their common ground. Before long, no doubt (it’s spontaneity requirements) they’ll have a weekend plan to go on a hike and perhaps even a boat trip over the Thames. My, the world is superior with spontaneous women around!
A “secret” code
Look, by and large, I’ve got nothing against spontaneity. But, what I struggle to understand is a man’s obsession with the spontaneous woman. Why do they care so much about whether they date an impulsive type or not? Because, let’s be real, how many women out there would actually feel the urge to travel to central London at 1am on a weekday on the premise that, “It’d be fun!”, seriously? I’d estimate 5% of the female population, if that.
But, then again, do men truly want a spontaneous woman? Or is this fetishizing of a personality type a “secret” code for something else that they are trying to tell us?
“I can’t make up my mind about you”
He’s stalling you for a while until he makes up his mind “for good”. But, be alert, otherwise, that “for a while” will swiftly turn into “forever” without you even realizing. And, he’s aware of what he’s doing, so, don’t be fooled; a man knows what he wants from the outset, they are never “not sure”.
“Let’s just see where it goes”
The go-with-the-flow kind-of-guy. The non-committer. The “You’re not my priority, but, you’re a good option,” guy.
Every time you mention being together, he’ll look at you flabbergasted; “I said, let’s just take things slow.” This reaction will infuriate you because it’s been months since your first date and you’ve been staying at his flat every weekend from the 3-month mark, and now you don’t know what to do (run).
And, he’ll string you along as a plus-one to parties so he feels less alone in his friendship group made up of couples. Then, he’ll claim that, “It’s just casual, we’re friends,” to anyone who asks whether you’re together which is news to you, leaving you perplexed for the remainder of the night.
“Make it easy for me”
The man who wants you to chase him. He won’t block any time out of his agenda for you, but if you WhatsApp him on a Saturday evening and he’s not at the pub with his mates then he might consider giving you an hour of his time… might.
“Prove yourself to me”
“I’m not 100% open to the idea of you but if you jump through my hoops I could be. And, if I’m interested, well, a relationship could be on the cards” Oo-er.
Though, here’s an unwritten rule: the more you jump through his hoops, the less he’ll respect or care for you. It’s a weird rule, but it’s one to keep note of.
“Spontaneously f*ck me”
The guy that just wants to have sex with you. Lots of it. Whenever he pleases.
“If you hesitate – boy bye”
Essentially, men don’t actually want a spontaneous woman. They just pull the “I’m looking for someone spontaneous” card when, in-fact, their needs are even simpler: they want someone who will have little power over them; be at their beck and call; and not ask any questions along the way.
Well, I hate to break it to you fellas, but most women don’t behave like that anymore. We are women of the 21st century, after all. And, don’t doubt that we won’t question every one of your motives – we definitely will – and, if you hesitate – boy bye.
Plus, why should we make it easy for you? God knows, you never make it easy for us. And, we’ve proved ourselves for centuries so there’s no damn way that we are wasting a second more in doing so.
