And it's fucking inspiring, Alya Mooro says
#Adulting With Chinae Alexander
Your fave advice columnist is back to help you with cheating partners, becoming unapologetic about your success, and living the life that’s best for you
This time around, Chinae is talking cheating and defining your own rules; outgrowing friendships and meeting new mates; and not playing down how amazing and powerful you are for men who can’t deal with… Their loss. Hells yeah.
I found out that my live-in boyfriend drunkenly made out with someone when he was back home on New Year’s Eve. I am totally pissed off and devastated but… I still don’t want to break up with him. My friends are judging me, HARD! Am I making the biggest mistake of my life by not leaving? I see this as an awful, one-time mistake egged on by his douchey friends…?
There are all of these made-up rules about cheating. Some say, you should stay and figure it out, that mistakes happen. There are others who think staying after cheating is weak and condones the behaviour. The real answer is within you and your limits of forgiveness, and his willingness to change his ways. For me personally, I know that getting back to a place of trust wouldn’t be possible if my partner cheated. I know that every text that rang in, every night out, every time I had to travel, would be plagued with anxiety and stress – for both of us.
So in my case, I would break it off. BUT, you are different than me. The bottom line is, if you choose to forgive, you have to *actually* do it. Like… let it go, stop punishing him for it, and completely move forward. That’s harder than it sounds, but if you’re up for that, you want to continue to try, and he’s up to be accountable on his end, then staying is a viable option. What you CAN’T do, is stay and make both of your lives miserable with mistrust and punishing him over and over. There’s no shame when it comes to staying or going, but either way you know the limits of your relationship better than anyone else.
You know the limits of your relationship better than anyone else.
I feel like I’ve totally outgrown my friendship group. While I’m starting to be successful at work, grinding it out and staying in a lot, 90 per cent of my friends are still only interested in partying. I’m 25, and I think I’m being age appropriate, but they keep saying I’m acting like I’m middle aged and “wasting my hot years” – will I regret not partying when I’m older? And if I am in the right, how do I make new friends at this age? What is so wrong with brunch?
Hey, I’m hot and 34 and I totally hate partying.
This advice is coming from a ex-party girl who spent the majority of her 20s with her nipple accidentally showing because… Jägermeister. I honestly wish I would’ve come to the realisation earlier, that if you have to be drunk to hang out with someone… they probably aren’t very cool. This is totally a difference of maturity and there’s NOTHING wrong with you, or with them for that matter. You’re just in different spots in life. I would do a little evaluation of who’s willing and wanting to see you outside of party zone – and, more importantly, if you actually enjoy their company. It’s amazing how much personality tequila gives someone. Mid-20s is the best time to sort through your friendships and relationships and see which ones you value and want to grow with you. You’re not a bad friend if some people don’t make it to the other side, that’s just life and growth.
Lastly, YES, make new friends. I met some of my lifetime friends later in my 20s and early 30s, and there’s so much more to connect on when you’re intentional about who you’re looking to meet. I highly suggest striking up conversations at places and events that you’re already attending – whether that’s a phone banking session for your fave political candidate or at the dog park. Say hi, and ask someone for coffee, what’s the worst that can happen?
Hi Chinae! So, I’m pretty good at being single. Tinder is my bitch. But when men ask me what I do, I get embarrassed about my impressive job and lie through my teeth. A lot of guys haven’t had great reactions to being on a date with a woman who obviously earns more than them, and I’m tired of it! I want romance and sex, but it feels like I have to play myself down to get it. Is it unfeminist to keep my success on the downlow until a few dates in?
Wow, I get this. I used to not invite people to my apartment until after a few dates because typically my place was nicer than theirs. BUT at the end of the day, you’re not fooling anyone. You are a strong, powerful, capable woman, and THAT’S what they are attracted to. Any partner worth your time would be able to embrace your success and cheer you on. A dude that can’t deal with your fabulousness isn’t going to work out long-term anyway, because the likelihood of your thriving slowing down is low – and his ability to get over the fact that you’re more successful won’t get any easier over time. Don’t ever water yourself down because the right one will be inspired by you, not intimidated by you!