Kaitlyn McQuin explores feelings of missed opportunities
Stop Asking Women Why They’re Single
Firstly, it’s rude. Secondly, look at our options.
If I had a dollar for every time I have been asked why I am single, I would have enough money to treat everyone reading this to a summer in the Catskills. We’d lounge by the pool in our vintage swimwear, sip cocktails, and laugh at the absurdity of people who insist on prying into women’s personal lives.
I mean, truly, what is the motivation behind asking a woman why she is not in a relationship?
Is it meant to be a compliment? Is it a way to indirectly say that she’s so amazing, one can’t fathom why anyone wouldn’t want to be with her? Is it a way to diminish her single life to merely a quest for the perfect partner? Let me go on the record and say that my single years have been some of the best of my life, and in no way have I felt I was missing out on all that life had to offer because I don’t have a partner.
There’s a misconception that single women are mad because we’re single. Actually, there’s a misconception that women are mad in general, and sometimes we are, like when we don’t get equal pay, when we’re sexually harassed and assaulted, and when dimwits ask us questions that they have no business knowing the answer to.
But, for the most part, women are just like men. We just want to wake up, not do all that much, and receive absolutely all of the credit. But, above all, what women want is to not be pitied for not being partnered.
Because there’s absolutely nothing to be sad about.
Since my breakup a year and a half ago, I have dated a lot. I’ve been on some solid dates where I left thinking, “Okay, I could do that again,” and I’ve been on some dates when I knew immediately it’d never work.
I actually left a date forty-five minutes in once. I’ll never forget it. I used the whole “my roommate needs me” excuse that he absolutely did not believe, but it got me out of there, so I didn’t care. He was late. I didn’t enjoy that. I also I didn’t enjoy him telling me how to be a better writer when I am a professional writer and I am also damn good at it (he was a lawyer by the way – an “entertainment and cannabis lawyer”). Most importantly, I didn’t enjoy his company.
And not enjoying a person’s company is reason enough to leave their presence and seek a company you enjoy instead – and the company I enjoy most is my own.
In my Lyft home that evening, I realized that my time is valuable, and I’m not willing to sacrifice my time just so I’m not alone.
I would rather spend one-hundred days in complete solitude than spend a single day with someone whose company I can’t stand.
And that realization changed the dating game for me.
I went on a date not too long ago that started off well. He was very funny and kind, an excellent communicator, and we had a ton in common. But, over the course of several hours, I knew it wasn’t a fit romantically. I could just tell. The reason why I was able to recognize it right away is because I know who I am and what I’m looking for, and the reason I’m so in tune with these things is because I’ve had the time to myself to figure it out.
I began to feel a bit antsy towards the end of the date, because I was ready to go. By the time the date was over, and I was in my car, I was so excited to be back with myself, I shouted, “I love being with me!”
And then I jammed out to Folklore on my way home as the sun was setting, and that was the best part of the date, not because the date was bad, but being alone and being with myself over being in his company was just better.
Knowing this has made me value the times when I do connect with people that much more.
There has been one, maybe two, people throughout the past year and a half of my singlehood that I have enjoyed being around more than once, who I looked forward to seeing because I knew he’d be adding to my day and not taking away from it. Lately, I’ve been really thinking about why that is, and I’ve concluded it’s something more than just their good hair or dark sense of humor.
What can I say – I like them a little twisty.
I felt challenged around these guys, but I also felt equal. I felt excited but calm. I felt creatively inspired, I genuinely laughed, I felt like I could be myself, but it didn’t happen overnight. It took time to cultivate. But… I wanted to put in the time.
And there’s the difference – and it’s desire.
For me, I know really quickly if I want to try to get to know a person, and if I want to try to let them get to know me. I have to desire their company, and I have to desire their company over my own.
And I did with them. And it was a nice feeling. But it doesn’t happen often, and I’ve become okay with that.
I’m currently very single, but I’m not sad about it, and a lot of women who are single aren’t sad either. I’m grateful to have experienced true connection, because I discovered how it felt to sit at a table with someone who hears what I say and contributes to the conversation, too, but I’m also so grateful to have experienced being single too. Because I discovered how it felt to sit at the table with, well, me.
And the table is very nice and neat with neutral-toned placemats and matching coasters and a beautiful plant in the middle of it.
Until I find that connection with another human again, I’m happy to wait. And I’m not sad, and I’m not mad, and I don’t feel incomplete.
So, that’s why I’m single.
Does that answer your question?