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The F Word
Ugonna-Ora Owoh wants queer women to start talking about their fetishes
When conversations turn to kinks and fetishes come, people tend to have an image of black suits, sexy lingerie and smacking the bitch out of a person. In reality, though, it means a lot of things aside BDSM.
Some people find fetish as something disgusting and unconventional when fetish simply refers to a behavior that someone cannot get sexually aroused without.
A good percentage of queer women want to have sex without involving kinks and fetishes. But, a small percentage of women whose fetish drives their sexual appetite feels it’s embarrassing to talk to anyone, even at times their own partner, about what they want from the bedroom. Maybe they think speaking about their fetishes makes them weird. Well, who cares. It’s 2020 dear, everyone wants to bag themselves some orgasms.
Let’s start talking about the F word.
Stephanie spent her entire orgasm watching people have sex while she hid in a dark closet masturbating. For her, it has taken more space in her sexual life than just having normal sex with her partner. “I didn’t mind if I was a masturbating ghost at one side of the room, I just wanted to get my shit through.” She says. For Stephanie any sex could work for her, man on woman, woman on woman, but she was most physically connected with lesbian sex.
When I asked Stephanie how she discovered her fetish, her reply was really something funny. “I discovered voyeurism was my fetish when I was in law school. I didn’t have time to date folks because I was more obsessed with my studies than falling in love or hooking up.” She explained that she “had gone to read in the library one certain night when I saw two women having sex at the back of a shelf. I was just only two seconds to watching them when I unintentionally began to touch myself, I didn’t realize it until I was panting.”
However, what’s most easy for Stephanie is the fact that she enjoys threesomes sex the most. For her girlfriend, it’s no big deal inviting over a hookup partner for perfect sex. “My girlfriend is so cool with my fetish, she just enjoys the company of others. It’s a feeling I love she loves.” Stephanie says.
While some queer women discover their fetishes through pornography, others discover theirs during hot vanilla sex. For Laura, a 31-year-old Westminster bisexual nurse who got to know her most intense fetish was anal sex when she watched a threesome between two men and a woman. “I didn’t know their names, I don’t always grab these pornstar’s name. I was just a 19 year old who wanted to cum so bad. I wasn’t feeling it until one of the guys put his dick into the other guy’s ass and started fucking. At that point, I felt like I did explode… I tried that another time and the feeling was even most tensed.” She says.
However, Laura only started having anal with both men and women. “The first time I douched clean to have my rectum tossed, it was an annoying yet sweet moment. I never knew it would be more than painful but I got to adapt to the pain. After sex, I realized what gay men were really enjoying.” Laura says. The only problem Laura finds about her kinks is trying to find saltwater to douche and getting to drink pills after sex to stabilize the pain but despite all that, she still finds anal sex beyond pleasurable.
For most queer women, a fetish is something embarrassing and shouldn’t be talked about. For Claire, who has been dating her girlfriend for 14 months, she only decided to tell her partner two months ago that she enjoyed blood play more than any other conventional practice. Blood play (also known as hematolagnia, is the sexual interest of using blood or blood-like images in sex), for some people with the fetish, they have to cut into their partner’s skin; the sight and taste are what drives them.
However, Claire’s girlfriend only advised her to get a hookup who enjoys the same practice. “I think that’s the most embarrassing thing about my fetish. Nobody likes it. They see it as something demonic.” Claire tells me.
“I think that’s the most embarrassing thing about my fetish. Nobody likes it. They see it as something demonic.”
When I asked Claire what she enjoys about blood play, her answer confirms it’s something hot, Perhaps, because of the sexual power and responsibilities involved in the sexual act. “The fact I have to neatly cut a part of my partner’s body and suckle makes it interestingly sexy. I sometimes had to cut the nipple just to make sure I gave her a lot of pleasure. It doesn’t often play out as nice though, because your partner might bleed excessively but we do try our best.”
Claire’s only problem about it is finding the right partner that practices it since they are really hard to find out. “Sterilizing the tool. You don’t want to infect anybody so you try deeper to be clean as possible.”
Despite the many misinterpretations that surround fetishes, what sexually arouses consenting adults shouldn’t be discredited and outseen. Kinks and fetishes do matter and the more everyone starts getting along to discover theirs, the less everyone stops dismissing and dehumanizing it.