Up until a few years ago, I had only ever been in long term relationships. I dated my first boyfriend for more than four years, and then almost immediately got into another three year relationship. When I suddenly became single again, I found myself stumbling around the world of sex and dating like a newborn deer, completely unsure of what I wanted or how to get it. Determined to find out, I enthusiastically embarked on a self-led crash course, armed with a selection of apps that promised connection, intimacy and (far more exciting), the potential to hook up with a seemingly endless selection of matches.
I scoured my social media for suitable photos (where I look funny, sexy and interesting, but not so funny and sexy that it becomes a catfish situation), and spent hours and hours swiping and tapping through potential matches. Once or twice I found myself slithering out of someone’s bed at 7am on a Sunday, citing an improbably early brunch, but in general I was fortunate enough to have a pretty good time. Dating apps allowed me to easily meet interesting people and have fun and positive experiences without having to commit to a long term relationship, I suddenly found myself with a lot more to contribute to the never-ending discussion amongst my group of friends (People We’ve Slept With and How it Went), and I even got some decent podcast recommendations along the way. I also came to a series of frankly magical realizations that I’m now applying to pretty much everything in my life.
Using Your Words means that everybody is going to have a better time
Thankfully, we’re no longer fifteen years old, awkwardly fumbling around under the covers trying to stay quiet because our parents are asleep in the next room. Dirty talk, moaning and screaming are all very much on the table, but as it turns out, there is nothing sexier than hearing those magic words “can you move your hand down a bit?” I want to know what my partner loves, I want them to give me clear instructions (‘loosen your grip a bit’, ‘put your head over there’), and nothing gets me hot and bothered like the question ‘what do you want to do?’ Because I want to do a lot of things and all of those things will be easier if we’re actually talking to each other and not whispering, hinting, and, well, guessing. It doesn’t have to be said in a sexy voice, it doesn’t have to sound like a line from a porn movie (definitely, please, do not use the word ‘pounding’), I just want it to be clear, specific and actionable. Talk logistics to me, baby.
The fact is that if you’re having sex with someone you just matched with a few days or hours ago, how on earth are you supposed to know what they’re into? How are they supposed to know what really gets you going? Trying to twist your bodies into impossible contortions because neither of you is sure what position you’re trying to end up in is all fun and games, but there’s nothing wrong with asking “what are you trying to do?!” as your partner ambitiously maneuvers you into a weird back bend that leaves you hanging half off the bed. Using Your Words guarantees everybody will have a better time, and frankly, in a world where gay and straight men climax about 85% of the time during sex, and women having sex with men orgasm just 63% of the time, it’s clear that we have a few things to discuss.
To put your own pleasure back in the spotlight, it’s time to get really, really clear about what you want
There are many reasons for this ‘Orgasm Gap’, but a huge proportion of the women I spoke to explained that, in their experiences with men, male sexual pleasure seems to be the central goal, while their own pleasure is sometimes sidelined. Andie*, 23, explained ‘I was so focused on [his] pleasure, I didn’t really think about what would be enjoyable for me. I felt like the most important thing was for [him] to have a good time. Now, I’ve started speaking up and asking for specific things that I like. I like it when guys ask for things too – it means I know they’re enjoying it.’
Blake*, 27, also remembers feeling objectified and unfulfilled by sex when she was younger. ‘I used to fake orgasms all the time. I really wasn’t into penetrative sex, but I didn’t feel able to ask for anything else.’ Now, her perspective is entirely different. ‘What is interesting to me about queer sex is that you don’t have assumed roles and there’s not an expected order. It’s not foreplay, then penetration, then the man cums and you go to sleep. You have to have more conversations about what you’re doing at every stage, which makes it easier to be specific about what feels good for you.’
As women, we’re encouraged to speak up in every area of our lives – to stop starting sentences with ‘I might be wrong, but…’, to stop using so many question marks and to stop ending emails with apologies and ‘no worries if not!!!!’. It’s time to start applying this to our sex lives, too, and it’s time to get really, really clear about what we want and need (and if you don’t know exactly what that is, it’s time to do some experimenting and find out.)
You don’t have to be in a relationship to have really great sex
It may be cuffing season, but who needs a relationship when you have Hinge and Uber? As much as I enjoy meeting new matches, I’m in a place in my life where finding a partner just isn’t a priority. But that shouldn’t mean that I can’t enjoy mind-blowing sex with someone who knows my body really well. It just means we have to give each other a few cheat codes along the way.
Carrie*, 24, has Endometriosis, which means that sex can be painful and sometimes cause bleeding. ‘I used to find it really hard to bring up’, she explains, ‘It’s a complex condition and I didn’t want to have to explain it to every new person – it was easier when I was with my long term partner. Now, I’ve learnt to be really direct and bring it up before things get started. I still want to be able to enjoy sex when I’m not in a relationship.’ It isn’t always easy, but negotiation should be an essential part of every sexual encounter. If you’re discussing birth control and STDs with someone you don’t know that well, why not also talk about orgasms and turn-ons? Opening up like this also makes it easy for everyone to give ongoing, enthusiastic consent, and to speak up if something’s not right.
There is no magic formula to ‘Sex and Dating in 2019’, but taking complete control of your own pleasure is a great place to start. As well as being vocal about my own preferences, there’s nothing I love more than a partner telling me exactly what they want. Bring a powerpoint presentation if you need to, let’s figure this out together – but please, no sexy whispering. If you want to have really great sex, you’ve got to go further than dirty talk and start giving really, really clear instructions. Now, where did I put my graph paper…
