For the majority of couples, the route to having a baby involves falling in love, having lots of great sex, and then grinning down at a positive pregnancy test within 12 months of ditching contraception. But one in seven couples in the UK, and one in eight in America, have difficulty conceiving and face fertility testing, intrusive procedures and years of heartache to achieve their dream of becoming parents. It is emotionally and physically exhausting, financially draining, hugely stressful, and sadly it doesn’t always end with a little bundle of joy.
Facing infertility is a deeply private matter and couples are often selective about who they confide in. Why? Because it’s devastating. My personal experience is that it’s a scary and isolating situation to find yourself in. My biggest fear is that I’ll never be a mum and, after two early miscarriages, our diagnosis of ‘unexplained infertility’ means the doctors are yet to find a reason why we’re not nursing a newborn.
I often feel embarrassed and blame myself. I don’t like being judged, being talked about, or thinking about the fact there are questions, along the lines of ‘I wonder if it’s him or her?’ that my partner and I both know people can’t help but think. It’s our issue, and it hurts us both.
Infertility is an emotional rollercoaster that impacts even the strongest relationship. Let’s face it, planning sex at specific times, taking your temperature every morning, cutting out alcohol and saving all your money to pay for fertility experts is not remotely fun or romantic.
Often, there’s a lot of pressure from others, with in-laws desperate to be grandparents or friends and colleagues asking, ‘When are you starting a family?’ as they give birth to a second or third child. These baby-making questions almost always come from women, who never accept a vague answer regardless of the tears in my eyes. They keep probing and then offer well-intentioned but completely thoughtless advice such as:
- Just relax and it’ll happen
- I don’t know much about this because I fell pregnant really quickly but…
- Have you tried sex in the morning / at 7pm / doggy style?
- Put a pillow under your hips and raise your legs in the air after sex
- My sister’s friend’s boss tried herbs and within a month she was pregnant. Just saying…
- Is it you or him?
- Janet Jackson was 50 when she had a baby, you’ve plenty of time
- I read that guys should eat walnuts and wear loose underwear
- Just go for IVF or use donor eggs
- Just adopt
Let’s get real! Women who long for a baby have read every book, joined every pregnancy forum and paid for every holistic treatment you can imagine, so don’t insult us by stating the obvious. We know how to have sex, and if relaxing was the solution then doctors would send couples on holiday rather than to hospital.
My fertility journey has had a huge impact on every area of my life. I now struggle with my confidence, which makes it difficult to give presentations at work or apply for promotions. I face new financial pressures, as the cost of IVF and holistic treatments cut into my savings and pile up on my credit card. I avoid people who were once good friends because of the insensitive things they say, and my heart breaks every month when have to I buy tampons instead of maternity clothes.
People need to realise that IVF is not a miracle cure. It’s a difficult physical and emotional process, with a high failure rate and a hefty price tag that not everyone can afford. Using the word ‘just’ when talking about IVF, adoption or using donor eggs or sperm makes incredibly complex decisions sound easy and straightforward. And that one little word dismisses the pain of infertility and the longing to create your own biological child with the person you love.
So, if you have a friend in my position, please help her through it by saying things like:
- I’m sorry you’re going through this. It must be really stressful
- If you want to talk, you can trust me to respect your privacy
And you can support her in the following ways:
- Actually LISTEN. Hear what your friend is saying and let her be angry, scared, frustrated or hopeful without offering advice on walnut eating or the Kamasutra
- If you don’t know what the tests involve, ask. If you realise what your friend is facing you can be supportive, rather than assuming it’s ‘just’ a simple process
- Understand that it’s difficult for her to go to baby showers or be surrounded by other mums sharing their birth experiences
- Know that a hug is always better than a text message
- Offer to meet in a private place if your friend wants to talk. She doesn’t want to be overheard in a restaurant or shopping centre
- If you can, offer to go with her to appointments if her partner can’t make it
- Understand that she wants to be your friend, but is declining dinner invitations because she’s saving up for fertility treatment
- Don’t keep trying to top up her glass when she’s said ‘no thanks’ to alcohol
- Buy her cosy socks. Fertility tests usually involve laying back with your legs in stirrups, so warm socks are a practical and thoughtful gift
- Finally, if she doesn’t want to talk, respect that. Don’t keep pushing for answers
It’s hard to understand unless you’ve been through it, but please try. When women stick together, we are so much stronger.
*Name has been changed on author’s request
