After three months of ‘I’ll see you soon’, and ‘oh we must catch up’, it dawned on me that I needed to end a friendship.
You see, one of the main issues that we seem to struggle with, besides finding the right people to invite into our lives, is knowing how and, more importantly, when to make cuts to our friendship groups. So let’s talk about it. Because trying to figure out the friendships we need and the friendships we don’t is one of the toughest subjects to tackle.
A quick online poll demonstrated that while this issue is a complicated one, ending friendships is an issue that a lot of us have experience with. So let’s start there. How do we know when it’s right to end a friendship?
As someone that avoids confrontation and might as well have people pleaser written on their forehead, ending any sort of relationship doesn’t come naturally to me.
During our teenage years, we simply fall out. Friendships chop and change and life moves on. As adults, it’s a bit different. There’s also a big challenge when it comes to older, more sentimental friendships. Those people that were, perhaps, in our lives due to circumstance or convenience – such as school/uni friends that, when taken through to our ‘adult’ lives, just don’t quite fit in the way they used to.
Maybe it’s the friend you used to sit next to in class every day or the friend you met at freshers when crying in the bathroom (they’re usually good eggs though). Lots of us feel like we’re ‘stringing people along’. Often it’s been such a long time and become the norm to have that friendship running in the background, even though you can see yourselves drifting apart, we feel an obligation to keep the friendship fire burning.
For me, half the issue is not wanting to hurt anyone. Often no one has actually done anything wrong and there’s no bad blood between you, but it’s simply not going to work. It’s no one’s fault, but it’s time to let go. And sometimes you end up finding your way back to each other, and I do understand how cheesy that sounds! One of my dearest friendships had a two-year hiatus, but we reconnected and we’re now stronger than ever.
The one thing that we shouldn’t overlook is toxic behaviour. Whether it’s repeated behaviour that you’ve tried to address but, has been ignored or just the little things that just make you feel like crap. Both are equally as rubbish and not something you should tolerate.
I’m a great believer in giving people chances – I don’t think you can jump to conclusions – but sometimes you have to ask yourself ‘is this friendship good for me?’.
As a natural problem-solver, I have a deep desire for everything to be okay and to maintain the status quo. But, a brief look online demonstrated that while I might be a people-pleaser, I’m certainly not alone. We all have a fear of being taken advantage of, being the giver, not the receiver, stuck with ‘flakey’ friends, that aren’t really there for us. The ones you really saw a great connection with, so you keep trying. The reality? They bail on you last minute, ask for a lot and don’t give much in return. After all this, it usually ends up being a disappointment, and emotionally draining.
Friendship, like everything, is a two-way street. It’s a fine line of giving people time and chances to open up to you, without allowing yourself to feel trapped in relationships that make you unhappy. I have a bad habit of being too forgiving and it seems a lot of people are the same. I have an issue with overcommitting – I throw all of myself into a friendship and have a habit of putting others first. But things don’t always end the way you wish they would, in friendships, relationships, and let’s be honest in lots of aspects of life. I always take things to heart, and always avoid hurting anyone else’s feelings, but sometimes to the detriment of my own.
I have friendships I wish I hadn’t been in, and those I wish had worked out. But, with each friendship, whether they end in success or failure, I’ve learned more about what I expect from a friendship, and more importantly, how to learn from the experience, rather than dwell on it.
It’s also worth remembering that friends stepping in and out of your life is simply a part of your life. There’s no need for guilt or shame if you find that someone isn’t the right fit anymore.
But for 2020, a fresh decade of new opportunities, take the time to reassess your friendships and how they make you feel. While there’s a kindness in people-pleasing, there’s far more power in saying no.
